How to stop negative people from bursting your bubble
You know when you have that great plan to quit your job and start your own business (yay!), or move across the country for a new life (yay!), build your own house (yay!), or give online dating a crack after many years solo (yay!) and you are all excited about it, then a well-meaning friend or rellie pours a heap of cold water over it. How it’s never going to work. It’s a stupid plan. What are you thinking? Do you not realise just how wrong that could go? It’s really risky. You obviously haven’t thought it through.
And then, almost in an instant, you feel deflated. The excitement drains out of you faster than a punctured balloon and that grand plan is just chalked up to something you never did, even though every cell in your body was screaming for it.
It just becomes an unfulfilled wish, an unobtainable dream, rather than a goal with a plan and a deadline. It becomes a regret. A coulda, woulda, shoulda. And time rolls by and by, and nothing changes.
From such stuff regrets are made. There are a few things you need to know when you are contemplating big, bold, brave new moves.
Just because someone else thinks it’s a bad idea does not mean it’s a bad idea.
It just means they don’t agree. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree. They may have some useful factual or experiential information for you, great, let’s have that. Throw it in the mix for consideration and review.
But if all they have for you is a broadcast of their own fears and insecurities, they are not facts and that has minimal bearing on the worthiness of YOUR idea, for YOU, in YOUR life, at THIS time.
Be judicious about who you share your bright shiny dream with especially when it’s new and delicate and tiny.
Protect it, nurture it, invest in it, and make sure you have only like-minded souls in on the plan while it’s in the embryonic stages. Telling the wider world at the start can kill your plan off with negative energy before it’s even started.
Keep your inner circle tight and positive, especially in the early stages. When it’s more advanced and robust sure, widen the circle, but while it’s in its nascent state you need to nurture it in an environment of positivity and belief.
The more you have your own approval the less you need anyone else’s.
Do YOU like your plan? Do you FEEL your plan. Feel it in your body? Does your body feel strong and exhilarated when you think about it? Do you approve of the course of action? Are you a sensible adult who can make rational decisions? Have you done your due diligence?
Yep, well, in that case the most important approval to be seeking IS YOUR OWN. The more you have your own approval, the less you will be seeking it in others. If you are flapping around seeking external endorsement for your plan all the time, consider the fact that the gap you are feeling is that you haven’t done enough of your own work first.
People’s opinions are just that — opinions — not facts.
They might speak them to you as if they are the truth, but actually they are just an opinion, and given it’s your life we are talking about here I am going to give the deciding vote to you. Your opinion on what’s best for you and your life trumps their opinion every time.
Get qualified expert opinion that you can use with discernment.
This is expert opinion that you are probably paying for, or at least is at a professional level. Maybe it’s your bank manager, an architect, or the co-ordinator of the training course. Ask lots of questions, resolve your doubts in qualified opinion and facts. Get as much data as you need, refine it, ask questions and then use it with discernment.
When people pour cold water on your plan it is often saying more about where they are at in life.
Basically it’s their stuff they are projecting. Maybe they are risk-averse, so the idea of selling up and moving to the country or changing careers is terrifying for them. That’s fine, for THEM, but it doesn’t mean those moves are inherently risky or terrifying in any way for YOU.
Also, it can bring up a load of insecurities when you make a bold and decisive change of course. You signing up for that marathon can make them feel like maybe they should get their ass off the couch too. It might be completely subconscious and unintentional but your shiny new plan is knocking up against their own insecurities, and they don’t want to take action themselves. It would be easier if you just put your trainers away and didn’t do the marathon after all, thanks very much.
The easiest thing for them is if you shelve your plan. Their anxiety is reduced if you retain the existing state of affairs and both stay on the sofa. Clearly it goes without saying that this is not a good enough reason for you to give up on your heart’s desire.
There are some really change-resistant people out there.
They are into retaining their grip on the status quo and they don’t like that disrupted. If you start changing stuff it can mess with other people’s world view. It has a flow-on impact on them, which they don’t like.
Again this can be completely subconscious and unintentional, and come from good-hearted people who really think they are helping you out by highlighting a heap of pitfalls you haven’t even realised. Actually it’s much more about their own resistance to change. Which is fine, but again, that belongs to THEM.
Trust your gut.
I’ve said it before, your body is a really wise guide. It will be whispering to you about whether this plan of yours is a good idea or not. You will know, deep down, if it’s the right call for you. Listen to your gut instinct. It is a far truer and wiser guide than any external person’s well-meaning opinion. Listen to your gut, it knows. Trust it. Your gut instinct will never let you down.
Of course, the ideal is that when we are about to make change or go with an exciting new plan or way of life, all the people around us heartily agree and are on board 100 per cent. That there is a Mexican wave of approval echoing around us from day dot. The likelihood, of course, is that there won’t be. Some people will be on board, and some will not. Some people will think it’s a brilliant plan — others will not. And that’s totally okay.
Trust yourself, trust your own capability to do really sound due diligence (and actually do it — be smart, do the numbers, take the tests, work the budget) then in the end trust in your gut instinct and your desire for something more. Trust in your instinct to grow. To stretch. To reach a little higher. Because I will tell you this for sure: Some of the best, most rewarding decisions in life may look the craziest to other people.
Get clear on the level of your own internal approval first. Get back to basics, do what you need to do to be your own number one supporter first and stop expecting all that approval to come from the outside.
Register for Louise's free life coaching online series today
Louise has a free life coaching mini-series - delivered online – starting soon.
Register at iamawellbeingwarrior.com to get the free ebook of her Top 10 How to be Happy columns and to get in on the free training. Do you want to eat better, move more, rest more, stress less but struggle to make it happen consistently?
This free coaching series will help you create happy habits that stick!
Through her online happiness programme Wellbeing Warriors, life coach Louise Thompson helps people unlock their happiest and healthiest life. Sign up at louisethompson.com and find more from Louise at here in Bite's wellbeing section.